The New Girl: A Parody
by Vague Apparitions
Summary: MARY SUE PARODY. A new girl comes to Casper High, but is she what she seems to be? Of course not! She's a psychopath! Post PP. Rated T for safety.
1. Susan: I mean, Dani

**DISCLAIMER: _DANNY PHANTOM_ BELONGS TO BUTCH HARTMAN, _CARTOONIST EXTRAO_- . . . Wait. Wrong fan fic. Erm. Yeah. Message is the same, though. I own nothing!**

**Author's Notes: **This, my dears, is a _PARODY. _Just in case you didn't notice. =| This is dedicated to that mighty fine Phantom Sues blog over at LiveJournal. Great sporking, guys. :)

I can NOT stand the generic "new girl" stories floating around. They've been around for all six years of the fandom, but I began noticing a lot of them lately. They're all over the place.

Since this is from Danny's point of view, I thought it would make sense to ditch my British spellings (colour, flavour, grey, etc.). It was difficult to edit them out, but I think I snagged all of them. o.o

I think that this is the part of the fan fiction where the Sueauthor would say:

"LIEK OMG YEW GUISE THIS IS MAI FIK OMGOMGOMG PLZ REEVYOO!1 LUV ME, GAWD DAMMITZ!11ELevin1"

_Ahem_. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter One**  
**Susan. . . I Mean, Dani**

I swear, my life gets stranger every day.

I can totally deal with staring. I don't care about the occasional, "Oh my God, you're Danny Phantom!" _Some_ fans actually aren't that bad. (_Some_. Most are rabid.) I can deal with Sam's parents silent objection to their daughter dating a ghost, even if that ghost's a hero. I can even deal with the crazy religion-fanatics telling me that, even though I saved the world, I'm going to Hell anyway, and that my parents are doing Satan's work. Yeah. Real grateful. Whatever.

My point is that I don't really mind people knowing who I am. It saves me a lot of trouble and stress. My teachers give me a break now, so my grades are a whole lot better. They don't care if I have to come in late or if I have to leave to fight a ghost. It's pretty great. My parents don't want to kill me anymore, which is definitely a plus. Even the Guys in White are relaxing their anti-ecto laws, but I'm still being carefully monitored for any behavior changes. (I don't blame them after meeting my future self.) So, sure, I get chased down by obsessers and lunatics and sometimes the government; I can handle all of that.

Then there was Susan.

Susan, so you know, was admitted into Amity Park Mental Institution about a week ago. I'd feel worse for her if she didn't scare me so much. I actually had to have a restraining order placed against her. As much as I hated the idea, I had to do it. She was completely nuts. They had to carry her away in a _straitjacket _after she practically jumped on me.

I'm going to have to explain this a little more. . .

About a month ago, Casper High received a transfer student, Susan Williams. Susan was okay at first, I guess; she just seemed like a normal girl. Everything about her looked normal. She wasn't like any other girl I knew, but at the same time, she was like every other girl I knew. She was just. . . average. Not like "average" is a bad thing, but that's what she was. Average.

Well, she _seemed_ average.

Everyone knew her name was Susan Williams. The teachers introduced her at the beginning of every class (or every class I had with her, anyway) as Susan Williams. So, obviously, that was her name. But, the first time she met me, she said, "Oh my God, you're Danny Phantom! My name is Daniella Krystaleen Sakura Ravynn Sapphyre Rose Ivory Ebony Malfoy! You can call me Silver or Bella or Naughty Veronica or Dani, though. I need to talk to you, Danny! I _need _to! It's important!"

So, she grabbed my hand and yanked me into the janitor's closet. My foot went straight into the mop-bucket, but I didn't really care. I was too worried about what she was going to do to me. If she tried anything, I thought that I could always beat her away with the mop. If I didn't use my powers, there'd be no problems with the Guys in White. I kept the mop in my sight, just in case.

Instead of doing something that would scar me for the rest of my life, Susan said, "Danny, I know your secret."

She said it like it was a big deal. It was like, in her head, she was the only one in the entire world who knew. My "secret" wasn't a secret anymore.

"What secret?" I asked.

"You're half-ghost," she said, eyes wide. "I _know_. But it's okay; I have secrets, too. Like, I'm half-ghost, just like you. And I'm actually the lost princess of the Ghost Zone."

"Huh?"

"Yeah! I'll show you!"

"Show me what?"

"This! My ghost form! Don't you see?"

Actually, I didn't see. All I saw was crazy Susan Williams slowly backing me into the wall. "Uh, no?"

"My hair is long and white with purple streaks, and my eyes are gold now, but they change color with my mood!"

"_What?_" By that point, I was seriously confused. Susan didn't have long white hair with purple streaks. It was the color of dishwater and only went a little past her shoulders. Her eyes were a flat brown, not gold. "Okay, uh, _Dani_. . . How do you know you're the lost princess of the Ghost Zone?"

"I've have a birthmark on my arm. It looks like a tattoo. I can show you that, too!" Susan eagerly yanked up one of her shirt sleeves, and on her arm, there was a. . . Honestly, I'm not sure what it was. It looked like one of those inkblot things psychiatrists use. Whatever it was, it wasn't a birthmark. Birthmarks aren't black.

"What is that?"

"My birthmark! It's a dragon circling a crown! It's the royal mark."

"Susan, I think that's from a Sharpie."

"Danny, my name is Dani or Bella or Rose or Naughty Veronica! 'Susan' is the name that the humans gave me to cover up my true lineage! They don't want an uber-powerful half-ghost, half-angel, half-demon, half-kitsune princess around!" Susan's voice grew louder and louder, and she started to _cry_. "Why don't you understand? I thought you'd actually understand me and my pain! My life has been so horrible and tragic, and I can't even come to you about it!"

". . . That's four halves."

"What?"

"That's four halves. I'm not good at math, but I'm smart enough to know that you can't be four halves of something."

"That doesn't apply in the Ghost Zone! There is no math! There is no logic or rules or anything silly like that, especially in my Kingdom of Randomness!"

"'Kingdom of Randomness?'"

"CHARTREUSE SQUIRRELS."

"_What?_"

"It's random! RANDOM! Laugh at my randomness! LAUGH AT IT!" Susan screeched. As she burst out of the janitor's closet, she laughed like the madwoman she was.

That was the beginning of the longest three weeks of my life.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Yes, I AM continuing this. It relieves my stress.

"Naughty Veronica" is the name of a burlesque dancer. I don't know why I put her in the story; I guess it just sounded right. "Ebony" IS a reference to the infamous "My Immortal," as is the "Malfoy" bit. I've also noticed that many Sueauthors have a Twilight fixation. It makes me want to blow chunks, especially when they name their characters "Bella" or "Rosalie" or some variation of that. Augh.


	2. My Horrible Life

**Disclaimer: I only own Danny Phantom on Opposite Day. Today is not Opposite Day.**

**Author's Notes: **A big "thank you" goes to all of you who kindly sent me your reviews! Someone even said that Susan was scary. That, my friends, means that I'm doing my job right. :)

WARNING: Here, there be random Japanese and much "emo-angsting." And monsters. . . named "Susan Williams." Reader discretion is advised.

* * *

**Chapter Two  
****My Horrible Life**

Susan was in every single one of my classes by her fourth day at Casper High.

Every. Single. One.

I think I'd rather be sucked into the Fenton Thermos for a year than be stuck in eight classes a day with Susan Williams. It was a total nightmare; even the Fright Knight would have a hard time conjuring a Hell that awful.

"_Konnichiwa_, Danny!" she squealed as she walked into our first period English class. At eight o' clock in the morning, it was _way_ too early to put up with her. She eagerly sat next to me in spite of Lancer's seating chart. I groaned; she ignored me. "I asked to be transferred into all of your classes since we're such good friends now! Isn't that _great_? Oh! Mr. Lancer asked me to write a paragraph or two about myself, and I'm going to read it in front of the whole class! Wait until you hear it!"

"Is it going to be about your. . . uh. . . ?"

"My ghost powers? And my Kingdom of Randomness? Yes. Yes, it is. People know about _you_, so why can't they know about _me_? Now, everyone will know what I am and they'll know of my tragic past!"

"_Great_, Susan," I said, trying to sound as obviously sarcastic as possible. I rolled my eyes, took out my textbook, and pretended to be interested in whatever was in it.

"My name is _Dani_! And it _is _great, isn't it?"

"Um, why are you in my seat?" Rachel – the girl who was assigned to sit next to me – asked.

"Scram, bitch! I sit here now!" I inched away from Sue; she sounded feral. I remember thinking, _Oh my God, I hope she doesn't ever bite me. What if she has rabies?_

"Um, Mr. Lancer?" Rachel called helplessly.

"Miss Williams," Lancer said, "you have an assigned seat. Please take your seat behind Mr. Baxter."

"But I want to sit next to_ Danny_! And Danny wants me to sit next to him! Right, Danny?"

"Assigned seats," I said, not looking up.

Susan picked up her stuff and sat where she was supposed to, near the back of the class. I glanced up at her as quickly as I could. She looked_ pissed_, but at least she was away from me. During roll call, I considered the possibility of being home-schooled. It didn't seem like a bad idea. Susan couldn't stalk me at home. . . Actually, she could, but she'd have one Hell of a time trying to get inside.

"Mr. Fenton?"

"What? Oh, um, here."

"Psst. . . Danny!" Rachel whispered. She held a folded piece of paper in her hand, just out of Mr. Lancer's line of sight. "From Sam," she mouthed.

I nodded. As stealthily as I could, I snagged the paper from Rachel and unfolded it. I instantly recognized Sam's handwriting in dark purple ink.

_Hey, who was that?_

_The new girl, _I wrote back.

It wasn't long before Rachel was handing the paper back to me.

_What was up with her?_

_She's loopy. Like, even loopier than Vlad._

_Wow. That's saying something._

_And that's an understatement._

_I'm impressed._

_Why? Because Susan is loopier than Vlad?_

_No. You used the word "understatement," placed it in a sentence correctly, AND spelled it right._

_Ha, ha. Very funny, Sam._

"Miss Williams?"

"Miss _Malfoy_," she corrected.

"Miss _Williams,_ did you prepare your paper for today?"

"Why, yes, I did!" Susan said, smiling. "Do you want me to read it now?"

"Whenever you're ready," Mr. Lancer said. "Class, our new student, Susan, is going to tell us a bit about herself."

Susan was in front of the class before you could say "crazy." She cleared her throat and said, "'My Horrible Life,' by _Dani _Malfoy."

Sam's note read, _This is going to be __good__._

"My life is filled with trauma and angst and lots of bad things," Susan read. "Like, my mom was the Queen of the Ghost Zone and the Ghost King beat her every day and then she was raped by Vlad. She got pregnant with me. And, like, she was murdered after I was born by Lord Voldemort and Darth Vader and Sauron. I saw her die and it scarred me forever. Then my dad beat me and he gave me scars I still have and I was exiled to the human world. Humans adopted me, but they were like, 'Oh, we don't want her to, like, know her true royal lineage!' They named me Susan and I don't like it 'cause that's not my name. They couldn't even give me an _uber-kawaii _name. They even tell me, like, 'You're not half-ghost or a princess and your name is Susan!' And I say, 'LIKE, STFU. I SO AM.' They abuse me, too. It causes me emo-angst and I cut myself because I can't deal with my agony! _I know what I am!_ I have a birthmark that proves it! And I have a special amulet! I'm wearing it now because I wear it forever and always!"

Susan pulled her "amulet" out from under her shirt. It was just a plastic crystal at the end of a black rope. "This is it! See? So, like, anyway. . . I wear my amulet forever and always. And, like, since I'm a princess, I need a prince to rule my kingdom. And I can only have ONE _kawaii desu bishounen_ prince, 'cause we're soul-mates! We'll be together forever and ever and ever!"

I sank down in my seat, hoping that my ghost sense would go off soon. Susan was _staring at me_. I swore that I saw her eye twitch as she continued, "_Forever_ and _ever_ and _ever_. . ."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I'm not entirely sure what "desu" is.

. . . I don't think I want to know.


	3. Lunchroom Serenade

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Except Susan/Dani/Silver/Rose/Bella/Naughty Veronica.**

**Author's Notes: **Quickest update ever. I'm getting a surprising amount of reviews on this. This story is a lot more popular than I thought it'd be. o.o So, thank you all very much! :D

It should be noted that I'm seeing a surge in Mary Sue parodies as of late. That being said, if anyone would like to use Susan in another parody, you can. . . as long as you give credit where it's due. Just put it in the disclaimer or something.

* * *

**Chapter Three  
Lunchroom Serenade**

Rumors about Susan spread around the school like wildfire. Normally, rumors are completely wrong and should probably be ignored.

In this case, however, all of them were absolutely true. Maybe because they were more like warnings than rumors. Or maybe because Susan was single-handedly proving that she was a psycho. Either way, in the mind of every single student in Casper High, the new girl fell under the category of "Must Avoid." Even the jocks stayed away from her.

"Danny!" she screeched between math and lunch. She sprinted down the hallway. "Can I sit at your table?"

Honestly, I was surprised that she even asked. I was expecting her to just sit wherever she wanted to, and since that was definitely near me, I was planning on eating my lunch on the school roof today. "Um, I don't think that there's going to be any room. You can try sitting by Mikey or Nathan, though; there's always seats near them."

"Oh my God, I am _so_ not sitting near those losers! A _princess_ deserves better than that!" She kind of sounded like Paulina, but a lot bitchier.

"Um. . ."

"I'll meet you there!" she squealed, running toward the cafeteria.

I sighed. Regardless of whether or not I was going to eat on the roof today, I still had to go into the cafeteria to buy my lunch. _Note to self_, I thought. _Bring lunch to school from now on_.

As I was getting out of the lunch line, I felt a tap on my shoulder and jumped a bit, nearly dropping my lunch. Sure that it was Susan again, I went invisible in the blink of an eye.

"Oh, knock it off, Danny," Sam said. She was blatantly annoyed. "It's only me."

"S-sorry," I said, turning visible. "Susan's following me everywhere! She's driving me _nuts_. So, um, would it be okay if I, uh, ate somewhere else today?"

"Oh, no, you're not," Sam said.

"Why?"

"Because you're _not_ leaving us with Little Miss Princess over there."

I glanced over at our usual table, only to see Susan sitting there. She waved enthusiastically.

I groaned. "Tomorrow, you, me, and Tuck are eating on the roof."

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Danny!" Susan shrieked the second she saw me. "I'm having soooo much fun at Casper High so far! Like, everyone loves me! All the guys stare at me in awe of my _kawaii desu-ness _and Paulina's jealous of me 'cause I'm, like, so much prettier and awesomer than her!"

"_Jealous_?" Sam asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Like, oh my God, yeah! She was, like, all, 'Stay away from Danny, you freak! He's, like, not into you. He likes _me_ more than _you_.' And then she called me 'Susan,' and I was all, 'OMG. STFU, BITCH. HE'S MINE. SO, LIKE, GTFO.' She made me feel oppressed and angsty and emo!"

"Wait. What's 'oh-em-gee?' And 'ess-tee-eff-yew?' . . . And 'gee-tee-eff-oh?'"

"Oh, Danny! You're so silly!"

"Uh,I'm actually conf-"

"Oh!" she interrupted. "We need to, like, try out for the school musical! We'll be the lead parts and we'll sing show-tunes together and that will make us fall in love! SO ROMANTIC!"

Sam snorted. I couldn't tell if she was annoyed or if she was laughing or both, but in the end, she was glaring at the new girl.

"_You_ can try out, but I'm not," I said. There was no way I was going to go try out for some dumb musical, and even if I was, it'd be a hot day in the Land of the Far Frozen before I'd fall in love with Susan, especially over show-tunes.

"B-but. . . But _whyyyy_?" Susan moaned. She looked like she was about to burst into tears. Again.

"I don't sing."

"But you _need_ to! You. Need. To."

"Why?"

"Because you're the _Phantom_! So, like, that means that you should sing, 'cause then you can fall in love with a beautiful singer. . . ghost. . . princess. . . me. . . and she'll reject you at first 'cause you're a freak, but you're meant to be! We'll be so _in love_!"

"I don't remember the Phantom getting the girl in the end," Sam said.

"He does now!" Susan argued. "Danny is my, like, Angel of Music. And he sings songs in my head at night. I hear him. And he sounds hot."

"You know what? You're forgetting something else," Sam said. She looked like she was going to kill Susan. Actually, if she did, I wouldn't stop her. "_Me_. His girlfriend."

Susan stared at her vacantly. She didn't seem to hear what Sam was saying. Instead, she turned to me and said, "I think you'd make a great Sweeney Todd."

"Susan, I saw about a million flyers for auditions," Tucker said. "The school isn't doing _Sweeney Todd_. It's _The Music Man_."

"Oh my God, _High School Musical_? Like, no way!"

"_What_? I didn't say. . ."

"_SOARIN'! FLYIN'!_" she "sang," if it could be called "singing." It was more like screaming. Seriously, the girl rivaled Tucker for worst singing voice _ever_. "_THERE'S NOT A BLAH, BLAH, SOMETHING, SOMETHING!_" That's when Susan stood up on the table. As she sang and danced in front of the entire junior class, her foot smashed Tucker's Sloppy Joe.

"No!" Tucker shouted in horror. It was only a sandwich, but Tucker took his food, especially his meat, very seriously. "G-goodbye, little buddy! I. . I didn't even have a chance to eat you!" He inspected it, took a little piece of meat, and tasted it. "Hm. . . It's still good!"

"Guys?" I asked. "If I overshadowed Susan _right now_ and made her. . . uh, I dunno. . . kill herself, would you turn me in?"

". . . Yes," Sam said, covering her ears. "Because I'd like to do it myself."

"_BLAH, BLAH, NOW WE'RE BREAKIN' FREE!_"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** In Sue fics, I've noticed that Sues have a tendency to burst out into random song. It's usually generic teeny-bopper bubblegum or show-tunes, too. Augh.

Speaking of show-tunes, I don't know how many fics use the plot line of a musical going on at Casper High. For some reason which I cannot fathom, Danny and his respective love interest/Sue try out, get the lead parts, and fall hopelessly in love over a duet. And a majority of those fics use _Phantom of the Opera_. I understand why it would be a popular thing in this fandom - what with the "Phantom" thing and the fact that, during Halloween one year, Nickelodeon used a picture of Danny dressed as the Phantom during commercial breaks.

Andrew Lloyd Webber never released the rights for performance off of Broadway. Sorry, Sues. No rights, no production. (I think I just heard the collective hissy-fits of every Suethor who has ever done that plotline, is doing that plotline, or plans on doing that plotline.) _Sweeney Todd_ is another popular one, but Suethors know it as "That Tim Burton Musical With Johnny Depp Being Hawt." Since it's so angsty, they eat it up. Realistically, a high school wouldn't perform it. Too much adult content.

I still like both, though. Just not in a crazy fangirl way. Just thought I'd point some facts out. I'll get off of my soapbox now. :P


	4. Rock Bottom? You Wish

**Disclaimer:** Susan is mine. Nothing else is.

**Author's Notes: **Miss me? I'm not dead. I swear. I've just been very busy.

Thank you to all of my readers, by the way. Every review and favourite makes me smile and motivates me to write more.

* * *

**Chapter Four**  
**Rock Bottom? You Wish.**

When something hits rock bottom, it can't go any lower, right? Nothing is lower than rock bottom. I thought that the lunchroom incident was Susan's rock bottom. I thought that the girl couldn't get any crazier than standing on tables and screaming Disney songs. I thought that she couldn't possibly get any worse.

I was so wrong. It was like Susan hit rock bottom, then pulled out a freaking jackhammer to go even lower.

The next day, in English class, she tried getting my attention. "Danny," she whispered from the back of the room. The next whispers only got louder. "Danny. Danny. . . ! Danny! Danny! Danny! Daaaanny! Danny! Dan-_ny_! Dan! Danny! _Danny_! DANNY!"

"Miss Williams!" Mr. Lancer interrupted. "I'm in the middle of a lesson. You can wait to tell Mr. Fenton whatever you'd like _after class_."

"B-but, Mr. Lancer! It's important!"

"It can_ wait_. In the meantime, Susan, I suggest that you pay attention to this grammar lesson. Your paper was most certainly _not _outstanding."

"Oh, I know, Mr. Lancer," Susan said, suddenly very serious. "It _wasn't _outstanding. It was excellent!"

Lancer, who was clearly at the end of his rope, muttered something about not getting paid enough, and said, "One more outburst, Susan, and you'll be staying after school."

"My name is Dani," she answered.

"_What?_"

"My name isn't '_Susan_,'" she said, crossing her arms across her chest. "It's Daniella Krystaleen Sakura Ravynn Sapphyre Rose Ivory Ebony Malfoy."

"After school,_ Miss Williams_. One hour."

"_BAKA!_ It's Dani!"

"Would you like to stay two hours after school?"

"Yes!"

"Two-and-a-half hours, then, since you're so enthusiastic about staying." He sighed. "Back to punctuation. If you'll turn to page ninety-three in the text, you'll see a few examples of how dashes can be used. Dashes can take the place of commas, and may be used in the middle or at the end of a sentence, but should be used to emphasize. . ."

Somewhere, in the room, a pencil snapped in half. "Will you _stop?_" Sam asked, glaring at Susan. A broken pencil was in her hand.

"Miss Williams. Miss Manson. Is there a problem?"

"Yes, Mr. Lancer," Susan said.

"What is it?"

"Sam and Danny are passing notes."

"What?" Sam asked.

"No, we're not!" I said.

"She was throwing balls of paper at me," Sam said. "They're all over the floor."

"Because," Susan said, simply, "you were texting." She seemed proud of herself.

"Huh? A minute ago, you said we were passing notes," Sam said, crossing her arms across her chest. "Now, we were texting?"

"Enough!" Lancer said. "You've whittled away my class time to nothing with this nonsense. Miss Williams, see me after class."

"Mr. Lancer?" Susan asked.

"_Yes_, Miss Williams?"

"Does this mean that Danny isn't going to stay after school with me?"

"No, he won't be staying."

"But-"

"_After class_." Lancer glanced at the clock. "That would be now."

It seemed like everyone left the room quicker than they usually did, piling into the doorway to get out as fast as possible. A lot of them were trying not to laugh, and some just looked scared. Thankfully, I didn't need a door to get the heck out of there. As I shoved my books into my backpack and slung the bag over my shoulder, I heard Mr. Lancer say to Susan, "I'm going to have to schedule a conference. . ."

_It's about damn time,_ I thought as I slipped through the wall.

It wasn't long before Susan found me at my locker. I didn't even see her show up, and jumped a little as she said, "Oh my God! Guess what?"

"What?" I said, not even looking at her.

"I'm going to stay after school!"

"Yeah. I heard. You sound happy about it."

"Well, duh! I'm gonna help Mr. Lancer grade papers, because I'm _so_ smart and did _so _well on the essay. Did you know I was a child prodigy? I totally was. And I wanted to tell you in class, but Mr. Lancer wouldn't let me; I'm totally the star of the musical!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah. My name wasn't on the list. That means that they have a super special part for me."

"Susan, your name wasn't on the list beca-"

"DANI!"

"Augh! Whatever!" I slammed my locker door shut, deciding not to try reasoning with her. "I have to go to class."

"_We_ have to go to class."

"Actually," I said, "I have to go. . . I'm not feeling good."

"KAWAII DESU!" she squealed. "I'll nurse you back to health, my love!"

"_NO!_ I-I'm contagious. Really, really contagious," I said.

That's when I made a beeline for the school nurse's office. I told her that I was feeling really queasy and that my nerves were shot. I guess I didn't _look _too good, either, because, after a few minutes, she called my parents and informed them that I was coming home sick. The fact that I was physically shaking could have been the reason why, but I wasn't sure why I was shaking. It could have been from dealing with Susan that day, or dealing with her every day for the past week or so. Or it could have been from the idea that I'd have to put up with her the next day, and the day after, and the day after. . .

The nurse had just gotten off the phone with Mom when I grabbed the garbage can and upchucked.

_Maybe I can stay home tomorrow_, I thought.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I promise I'll write and post the next chapter ASAP. Please review!


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